O.K. while Mr. Smears was going all on and on about this band that spray paints their logo all over town I was finding myself significantly amused and became inspired to write a post about something bands do that I really hate.

Here’s a list of bands that I’ve seen out hawking underwear (I HATE THAT!) with their band logo on it, (how clever, how cute! not!) and my guess as to what the demographic is who would actually fork over $$ to buy said bands underwear.

Excuses For Skipping
Wow, these girls. Who can blame them for trying to make a buck selling sexy underwear to the ladies. They want to come across as this sincere band trying to leave behind a genuine creative legacy but this shrewd capitalist attempt at marketing proves otherwise. The demographic? Dykes that can actually fit into to them and lesbians that want to be objectified by other lesbians. My advice? “Snatch” up a pair before they sell out. Anyone and everyone who’s ever bought underwear from Excuses For Skipping should wear them and only them to the dyke march so we can ALL see how sexy you look. Come on ladies, don’t be shy!

Sugar And Gold
Sexy? dance music = underwear. My friend Bobby got it right when he said “they embody everything that sucked about
the moronic side of 70s music and it nauseates me that the kidz find them so appealing.” Here here! We couldn’t have said it better ourselves. The demographic? Cool oakland kids who actually have the money to buy band underwear, don’t have any shame or open sores from skin popping drugs, and are sick of their three pack of 99 cent underwear purchased in the mission five plus years ago.

The Lovemakers
Well this makes sense, their music is so bad and unoriginal (if you don’t believe me go to myspace and listen to their new single “Whine & Dine”) that what they’ve decided to do is sell sex. Gosh, Scott and Lisa haven’t made love in years but they make love to the audience every time they perform. It’s scary how they’ve actually become successful doing this. The demographic? Boys and Girls in the audience who are so turned on by the Lovemakers gyrating sweaty and semi-nude on stage that they actually want to have sex with the band. (Maybe when Jason Proctor was still in the band, he was sexy in a “seal balancing a ball on his nose” kind of way.) My advice, purchase a Human League and or Cure cd and have a sexy dance party in your favorite underwear at home.

Band underwear is not cool, ironic, or as we can see from the bands listed above, even the most original marketing idea. It’s annoying and if you or your band is thinking of making underwear please don’t do it. What we really need? Adult diapers with band logos on them. Helios Creed was looking pretty old at the Chrome show. They rocked the house so I’d buy a pair of incontinence drawers emblazoned with the “Chrome” logo. You wouldn’t have to miss any of the bands show as you could avoid going to the bathroom and just relieve yourself while rocking out!

Why do bands with the worst logo and the worst names feel the need to tag every sidewalk in the city (twice) with their shit. I’ve been meaning to complain about this for a while:

tlxn? Its such a terrible name, I had to go and look them up. The Love by Nowhere? Fuck the new ‘indie’, why does everybody need to have these pretentious long stark names? In fact, file this under band names so bad I want to slap somebody. Thanks for making sure I have to see it on every block in the mission, awesome!

see more on flickr

A few Fridays ago No Doctors had their record release at the Elbo Room with Wooden Shjips, Fuckwolf, and Sic Alps. Also, it was a Jack Daniels promotional night where they were giving away a guitar. I kind of hate those promotional night, but they’re also kind of hilarious. I mention it only because the Elbo Room was super bitchy this night. Supposedly some dude on the internet named grandma put us on the list but when we got there this lady at the door made this huge production about how we weren’t on the list. I hope he was just saying that to get people to go to the show, that’s great promotion! Anyway, I offered to pay, but this woman had a big deal to make about it for five minutes before letting me pay. I’m sure she had to, all sorts of people were probably trying to pull a mentos to get at that guitar.

We’ve been reviewing a lot of shows lately so I’m just going to stick to the highlights:

Sic Alps – Everybody loves these guys. I wanted to like them, but enough with the vocal effects already. Every song doesn’t need to sound like its coming from deep within a cave, even if that cave does seem to sound really good.

Fuckwolf – So, they’ve added bongos. I heard they were becoming the next Faust. I don’t know if I agree with that, but the bongos ruled. Their crazy dance dub destroy manifesto is totally extreme. Somewhere in the middle of the set it feels like you can’t be take anymore, but they know better. These guys continue to be one of my favorites.

Wooden Shjips – Good news! This performance wasn’t limp at all and the drummer wasn’t slacking. Bad news! They still have no stage presence. Beer time!

No Doctors – Unlike Wooden Shjips, No Doctors owns the stage. I like their classic rock schtick, but I can see how its not for everybody. Two guitars, sax, and drums. Who needs bass after fuckwolf anyway?

Don’t miss the party of the summer!

Dynasty Handbag!

http://www.myspace.com/dynastyhandbag

Hello readers,

we will not be posting much, if at all, the next few days as we are going on a road trip. Back in action Monday the 25th of June.

thanks!
World Famous In SF

don’t miss one of the best club nights in San Francisco, The Clap.

Tonight, appearing live, the excellent Judy Experience.

see more here

Really, either Elton or I should write something about last week’s Chrome show at the Hemlock. It was great. Epic maybe. It was, most certainly, an event. Possibly it could have been a little louder, but whatever. Promotion around the shows last week seemed, oddly, nonexistent. I remember a few years ago Chrome played the Great American and this was definitely a big deal; I know I randomly saw this year’s show on the Hemlock’s calendar while looking for something else. Perhaps the kids are already too cool for Chrome? I doubt it, because not only were these guys better than many in the current crop of SF bands, but When I mentioned that I was going to see Chrome on Saturday the reaction was generally along the lines of “Chrome? No way! They rule! They’re playing??”.

In a way, it was kind of awesome that nobody knew Chrome was playing because first up was Battleship and I didn’t want to have to see them. I’d seen these guys a few years ago at Balazo with The Mae Shi and had a really good time (although, The Mae Shi stole the show that night). However, I’ve contemplated seeing Battleship a few times since, but every time the songs on their myspace sound like so much post hardcore blah blah with vocals that I hate so, I find something else to do. The plan is, then, to try and show up at the optimum time. The time when the show hasn’t sold out but Battleship has played. Which is silly. Even though nobody knows this show is going on I’m neurotic and have to show up early — I mean, what if it sells out? We’re firmly on time for Battleship, but I decide that’s cool because I did really like them that other time I saw them. And the band itself ends up being pretty good. Dynamic, aggressive, angsty. But then the vocals kicked in and it was all macho and it did not work for me. And neither did the vocalist’s haircut — that’s probably neither here nor there but I had to get it off my chest. Anyway, in the end it was a similar experience to the recorded material, the vocals won out and we had to find something better to do at the bar.

see more here

The second it’s safe, we were back inside and upfront and ready for Chrome to take the stage. Helios Creed and company came out in white containment suits and bowler hats. They killed the lights, turned up the amps, and kicked out the motherfucking sci-if jams. Helios’ guitar work is amazing, its simultaneously all over the place and holding down a three chord song. The vocals are treated even more than on the recordings, contributing to that paranoid closed in feel. Some of you may be wondering about The tape loops Chrome used. OK, there was a guy on keyboards and up until this moment I wondered what he was up to. At first I assumed he was running the effects for the band, but it seemed like everybody managed themselves, so he must have been providing samples or, maybe, actually playing keyboards. It didn’t matter, it couldn’t be heard. Maybe we were standing in one of those awkward spots up front where the mix is horrible, or maybe a certain venue needs a better PA. Whatever, it isn’t that the tapes weren’t missed, but there was a lot to take in. There was definitely early stuff and Helios Creed solo stuff, but over the course of the evening it all bled together. I mean that in a really good way. We were on a paranoid space exploration with a crazy light show and a rhythm section. This was easily one of the best shows this year.

Omewenne.

Check out the songs/demos posted. Recorded in the mid-90’s by Joe Goldring (Touched By A Janitor, Wade) featuring Michael Richard (Jack’s Loss) Carolyn Engelman (Chamber Strings) and Tom Marzella (Hard Place, Mon Cousin Belge). The incomperable Omewenne does the impossible. She makes beautiful, intelligent music that was often described as Gothic. Gothic is not quite an appropriate label, her music has as much in common with classical and opera as it does with Nico and punk. Omewenne currently resides in the U.K. where she is composing her memorable, haunting compositions. This music just needs exposure, the kids out there love it. I witnessed it on tour with Omewenne opening for Rozz William’s and Eva O’s wonderfully demented Shadow Project. Thousands of gothic kids cheering in adoration with, as always when performing with Omewenne, all of the heavily art-damaged kids up front.

http://www.myspace.com/omewennesounds

I’ll start this by saying I think we should have waited for the Wooden Shjips show this Friday with Fuckwolf and Sic Alps. That show has more to offer in a the way of variety; all of the acts at the Edinburgh this evening specialized in the drone and I don’t take the right drugs for three hours or four hours of that to hold my interest. I’m naturally wired for an hour at best. Apparently, though, Aquarius Records does take the right drugs as they featured gushing reviews of both Expo 70 and Metal Rouge on the front page of their last new release newsletter.

Anyway, back in time to when we parked in the sketchy alley behind the Edinburgh. We had arrived a bit late in hopes of missing Metal Rouge, not because we knew anything about them but because we’re too old for bills with four bands on them. Unfortunately, we get upstairs and realize we haven’t missed anything other than the fact that the show room had been rearranged since the last time we’d been there (which was… I don’t remember when. My point is this might not be news). Metal Rouge sets up on stage — electric guitar and amplified santur — and proceed to play this one note for about twenty or thirty minutes. They must love that note. It must be the most awesome note because they played it for a long time. Its like all drone shows where eventually you get so into that note you become the note. I just wasn’t into this note. The folks over at Aquarius report that everybody else was super into this note and were blown away, so what do I know? Here’s a clip, you can tell me what I don’t know:

Actually, I was kinda into that clip. I don’t have any idea what I’m talking about!

Next was Rahdunes. Guitar + effects and bass. These dudes set up in two different places on the floor amongst the crowd and did their thing. It was like musical evolution: two notes. I was actually pretty into these dudes, the bass set up a nice rhythm (not really a groove, this was too academic for that) and the guitar made loud sounds over that — what those sounds were really didn’t seem to matter. These guys were having a ton of fun, laughing a lot of the time and it was fun to be on the floor with them.

Then there was much speculation as to whether the band setting up was Expo ‘70 or Wooden Shjips. It looked like Wooden Shjips but they’re so mysterious because they don’t play much so how could we know?? The band gets to playing and we convince ourselves it must be them and its kinda disappointing. The guitar was pretty awesome, but on the whole the band was kinda limp. The drummer didn’t really seem to be up to the task of carrying us through their dirges. Its too bad, the seven inch I have rules and the songs on myspace are pretty good. I had read they weren’t great live over on detailed twang so maybe that colored my opinion but I’m accused of being opinionated and hard to please so I don’t think that was it.

After that we just couldn’t stick around for Expo ‘70. It was late and we wanted to go hear the jams at Tubesteak Connection! But once we were outside we realized we were defeated by the drone and we were tired so we went back behind the Edinburgh to the sketchy alley and hoped nobody had camped out inside the car.