Our myspace of the week is Danyol, artist and member of carletta sue kay and woman of color, because this pretty much sums up my thoughts on IBR. And for finally giving Kenny Rogers the lesbian makeover he desperately needed.

Its already been a big week, what with all these crazy drag queens in town and tonight — well, alright, its more drag queens. Oh, and Valentines day. But what could represent romance more than scorned men in dresses?

Don’t call it drag queen Carletta Sue Kay and electro sexy vocals Von Iva perform tonight at the Hemlock. Why is there only one kind of strong sexy woman vocal in these parts? You know what I’m saying? Its ok though, this show will be super fun because both of these bands put on a show!

Also tonight, gays, lot of bands, one drag queen, many many hours. Queer punk club All Men Are Evil Except My Girlfriend is throwing its first annual valentines day homo massacre at the stud!

MARIAH CAREY- TOUCH MY BODY

Mariah Carey wrote a new song for me! It’s called Touch My Body and it’s about teddy bears, YouTube, favorite jeans, tropical breezes and getting touched! How am I supposed to not think this is the greatest song of all time? You all know that I’m so rock and roll, but when I listen to Mariah I turn into a 14 year old mall girl all over again.

So my band dad, Kelley Stoltz, has been pretty absent due to his successful career. He was on the home page of MySpace for, like, three days. That’s crazy! He got like a billion plays obviously. If you watch TV you’ve probably heard his jam Birdies Singing on some commercial – I can’t really remember what the ad was about even though I’ve seen it, like, five times. He’s touring the world with his new record, CIRCULAR SOUNDS, that’s out on Sub Pop Records. It’s really good, DUH, so go buy it. Here is the video for his first single:

Kelley Stoltz – Your Reverie

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Directed by M. Moorton

Elton Tom was all “don’t post these, we only ever post about stuff Myles and I are in”. At first I was going to go along with that because, well, its true. And, the photos are maybe a bit more Lucifer Rising than Puce Moment. But, I’m going to post them anyway because I don’t really have anything else to talk about and there’s three other people in the band and he’s not actually in the photos because a) Drummers are hard to photograph, b) drummers are always in the back and c) the show was at the knockout and the light is terrible there. So whatever. The band was pretty good — guitar and keyboard songs that maybe sound like they’re from New Zealand. But maybe they don’t — in addition to bad lighting the sound at the knockout isn’t the greatest (but we love the knockout anyway). It was a good first impression.

Also, this band fpodbpod played and they were pretty good despite their name and the fact they’re into being the deli’s band of the month. I just listened to their myspace and its weird, they were so much more electric live. I think maybe they’re better live. Go see them and don’t click on that link. Greg Ashley also played but he should stick to the full band thing because his cute, pudgy little face can only take that acoustic guitar so far. Seriously.

And you’ll pretend to enjoy it.

Hey it’s the week for new contributors. I will be bringing my own particular brand of the hate, but sometimes the love.

Lately, Arthur Magazine has really been annoying. I mean they’ve always run small annoyances like that column for the practice of magic, or as they like to say “magick”. I don’t know, affected early-modern English nonstandard spellings really annoyye me.

In the December 2007 issue, Douglas Rushkoff, regular contributor, wrote the tedious “Raising Baby Einstein” to make a point about how raising a baby has become so commercialized and professionalized. And I usually really like what he writes, you know tearing down the whole edifice of 9/11 conspiracy thinking as a waste of valuable time was right on! But Rushkoff made the regrettable error that afflicts most parents, the belief that what they’re undergoing is so special and magical that they must then inflict the magic of parenthood on the rest of us. I tried to read the whole thing but had to quit when I reached the paragraph on, “the lost art of breast-feeding”. Writers, please do not use the word “latch, nipple, draw, and infant’s lips” in a column published by a putative music mag. Gross. Seriously.

A year ago Becky Stark of Lavender Diamond annoyed me when she renounced her class hate in favor of a particularly icky brand of Topanga Canyon free-love. But I would expect that from someone named Lavender Diamond. Rushkoff, you’re losing your edge to the babies.

Guess. What. Elton Tom’s new band, Puce Moment, is finally going to debut after, like, five years holed up in some basement practicing. Well, maybe not five, but it sure seems like it sometimes. I was beginning to think they were really just catching every performance at Theater Rhinoceros or something.

Anyway, the band also features Gary Fembot (of Vis-á-Vis, feelings on a grid, and sta prest) and an ex member of The Aislers Set but I don’t hold that against him.

Oh, and if you’re wondering what a puce moment is, its a Kenneth Anger film about , literally, a puce moment. Seriously. But if you’re on the leading edge of cool then you know its all about its impossible (and uncredited) soundtrack. You can check this post over at WFMU for more info if you’ve got a day job and can’t be on the leading edge of cool.

Oh yeah, greg ashley is playing too.

Monday, Feb 4
Smile @ The Knockout
10 PM, $5
greg ashley
puce moment

If you were in the Castro last week it was very obvious that somebody was filming a movie. If you asked around, people seemed a little confused and slightly annoyed that there weren’t any parking spots. Instead there were old timey cars, 70s-looking shop signs and awesome community bulletin boards. That’s right. The Castro looked way cooler.

And when I saw Gus Van Sant in real life, he didn’t look as hot as I was hoping he’d look. He was wearing really practical boots, ugly black jeans and some kind of L.L. Bean parka. So yeah – nothing was going to go down even though he was looking at me. I don’t care if I love his movies, I don’t want to make love to him.

You can still find lots of bulletins if you go down there. I ripped a bunch off the first night they were put up. In other news, Christopher Owens from Girls got a call back to be in a bar scene with Sean Penn. Very cool. I can’t wait to see Milk.

Hello this is Ashley.
This is my first blog and I am very frightened. I read the posts of elton tom and shamus and I am ashamed for I am listed as a blogger but have yet to have blogged anything.
So I suppose I should now tell you some stories from my current life and times.
I think I will tell you about a lovely Russian-prussian-Italian 66 year old something or other that comes into my place of work to molest the mannequins and man handle the lady workers. He calls himself Franco and he has invited me to sail with him and eat lobster and clam on the beach with him. He also says he is an artist. Once he said he was on his way to teach a twelve year old boy..I have seen the work that he carries around in his gym bag too…not too shabby… thin water color/crayon on cardboard of sailboats and pen and barely erased pencil handwritten poems about love and the many girls he meets [molests in places they cannot escape from too quickly, like work or the gym or a bus] More details about those later. As for our encounters with Franco in the store, I’ll keep it short, because it is late and I have never written a blog about anything before. Apparantly any girl that says “yes” in any way to him is in love with him. So girls, pretty boys, whatever you are, keep that in mind, if you say ‘yes’ to anyone anywhere, be prepared for that someone to get the wrong impression. Anyhow, he comes in to buy some skinny jeans and he admires my breast immediately and lets me and all my coworkers know about it. then he comes out with his pants unzipped proclaiming, “hey! They makes these too tight! Who of zyou zyoung ladyz iz going zo zzip me up?!” No girl of course. so one of the guys does and immediately he gets a boner through the slim slacks. And, surprisingly enough, I have never seen a 60 + penoid get so hard under such tight denim under such bright lights so fast in my life, so I couldnt help but laugh with a shameful glee. He says “oop! look what you make-a me do!” So we give him a 50 percent discount every time he comes in now. He came in today though again to fondle us again and he had a couple good stories I would like to share for a moment (after he took my hand to “kiss” but then started licking and giggled ” I show you now what I do with woman’s clitoris!” Why do women love me so much?! They are always bending over for me..in the gym…in the street..everywhere!” Of course! I love that ferocious optimisim/
Anyhow, some Franco stories:
“So, I see this girl on ze dock before I am ’bout to go sailing..she is very beautiful…I not saying more than you , no, but in a different way…with honey blonde hair to here [he motions to his sun bleached, grey half shaved neck] and very big breasts! Even bigger than yours! ]. And so I ask her if they are real and she say ‘yeah’ not yes! but ‘yeah’ and then I know that she feels something for me ]…and then I ask her if I can hug her and she says “yah” and then we hug and our legs melt like butter and I know we are like Pow! And im like’ tunnel explosion’! you know !But then her boyfriend comes, and I didnt know she had a boyfriend ..so I’s go to the living room ]..and I am so excited by her that I masturbate into a cup and I leave it by the sofa. Later, I come back to get the cup, but it is gone! But then I see my lovely girl again, and she has a wet spot over her breast and I know! I know she drank that entire big cup of-a my sperm! And you know I fill an entire plastic cup because I was exploding!”
And then, ten seconds later, making my work-day go by thankfully, much faster he adds ” I really don’t know why, but weemen, zey just love my cum!” i say,” wow, your realllly lucky” He says, “Yes, and once I was at my doctor’s office waiting room next to sexy black girl. And she touch my leg i think and so my penis, it gets so big…two inches thick [he shows me with his fingers how thick] and I am just about to explode, so I ask the nurse for a bathroom key and I masturbate into a cup. And then I bring it to the seat and I show the girl that I taste it. And so she puts her finger in to taste it too and she says it tastes great too! So what-a more can I say!”
I say….awesome… as awesome as a pizza burrito! ten lbs of cheese in yo face! You go get it Franco! You can cum in the store anytime!