“You can sacrifice your sachro
Working in the back row
Bump in a dump til you’re dead
But kid ya gotta get a gimmick
If ya wanta get ahead!”
S. Sondheim

Everyone needs a gimmick and this lady’s got ‘em all!
But I feel I need to take out my god givin’ faggitude and say some things.
First;
WHY THE HELL ETHEL???
You do not look or sound like Ethel Merman. You look and sound like Joan Crawford and/or Bette Davis. Truth be told, I think any man over the age of 30 with a wig and smeared make-up looks like either Joan Crawford or Better Davis. Truth be told, you look more like the smashed up front end of a 1960 Plymouth Savoy, but now I’m just being mean. Listen, you got the gimmick right, but ya just got the billing WRONG!
Here’s Joan now!

And of course Bette!

Second;
It’s time for a change up in the ole musical repertoire grrrrl! I’m sure the AC/DC and Led Zeppelin… (three Zeppelin covers alone when I last saw you. PAINFUL!!!)… goes over nicely pretty much every time, but frankly, I think you’d be a helluva lot more interesting if ya took it up a few notches. I recommend a tutorial at Elton Tom’s house. He will hook your shit up with some more contemporary if not insightful numbers. No more tired ass freakin’ U2 or Bachman Turner Overdrive. I mean I know that these moldy ass songs you’re doing are sometimes necessary if not to at least appease the dumb people in the audience, but do you want to spoon feed people or do you want to FUCKING RAWK THE SHIT? How cool would it be for a lady of your err…age and err…talents to belt out an X-Ray Spex, Avengers, or even Slits song? I personally think that you could rawk the shit out of some Ramones (oh wouldn’t the kiddies just love that?) or maybe some Dolls, Stooges or Chuck Berry? I personally would love to hear you do your Ethel (though you look and sound more like Joan and/or Bette) doing “Release the bats” by Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds or maybe “Country Faggots” by The Country Teasers. If ya HAVE to do Jefferson Airplane, think of it like pepper. Sparingly.
GREAT gimmick, though not quite as funny or impressive as The Dueling Bankheads.

Check out these dorks I found on Youtube doing their best Ethel. I hate to say it…but…after your Elton Tom tutorial maybe a quick trip to Youtube for a lesson with some of America’s finest?


These two are just for fun

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Since the first ISLW was so POPULAR, here is a second edition for y’all:

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I would like to share with everyone who reads this blog (whoever the hell that might be!) some recent comparisons that reviewers have likened my voice unto. I find it all very humorous. Fucking hilarious! Maybe you do too?

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My bitter half dragged me kicking and screaming to Cafe du Nord on Wednesday night to see Joan as Police Woman. I’d listened to her tracks on myspace a few times and was naturally very interested in her ballads. She writes these throaty yet lilting and heartbreaking songs that sort of stand at the cliff’s edge, then fall beautifully and bereft. She had this killer sort of Jew-fro thing going on at du Nord with lots of Polyester and Brooklyn sass. I loved it. She was actually genuinely funny and maybe even a little adorable. Okay i have to say this. Maybe I’m full of shit? Whenever she went to her electric piano and started her ballads, she had me completely in her grasp. Her message was loud and clear. Her ballads lie strangely between the cool sexiness of Roberta Flack and 70’s Bonnie Rait. I say strangely because even though I found myself referencing these classic song writers/performers, Joan as Police Woman had her own very special and unique style that was undeniable. But then she picked up the geetar and i fucking hated her! She even covered, “Let me stand next to your fire.” I thought that no one could ever possibly top Lou Barlow singing, “You’re as cold as ice,” but fuck me in the ass…Joan as Police Woman did. I wanted to scream. Every god damned song she did with that geetar was pretty much mid-tempo to up-tempo “rawkers,” and SUCKED CRUSTY HOMELESS ASS! What a bummer I thought. Why doesnt she JUST do ballads. We can handle it. We’re all adults. Why do bands feel the need to pepper their sets with these boring and completely uninteresting up-tempo numbers? I get it. Live show dynamics, blah…blah…blah! I say fuck that! Make me cry girl. Dont make me hate. And now having said this…I have to say…I love Joan as Police Woman.

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Well, I’d held back writing a piece on Doug until I’d actually had a chance to work with him…and now I have.
First off, my ears are still rattling!
Doug is a rawker in the truest sense of the word. His many bands have graced the best stages throughout our fine city and the world and have left audiences in awe of his remarkable talents for years. My mother used to tell me, being a good, supportive and deluded mother that she believed I could sing in any style, from Elvis to Mahalia she’d say. Well, if this were true for anyone, it would be for Doug Hilsinger. Except…he does it all with a guitar. A mean, ground shaking and altogether unbelievably impressive guitar. The man has been in every type of band conceivable. From country and blue grass to head banger and speed metal. He can do it all!
To name but a few;

Spokepoker
Assassins of God.
Bomb
Waycross
Behold the armada
Hallflowers
Bee and Flower

The list just goes on.

Then of course there’s his groundbreaking recording of Brian Eno’s Taking Tiger Mountain (By Strategy).

He re-arranged Eno’s entire masterpiece, deconstructed its original and turned it out and into a masterpiece of a whole new and different imagining. Eno himself gave the record a nice little blurb via telephone. Check it out.

http://www.saucefaucet.com/enomessage.mp3

Need I say more? Very well…I shall. Doug has even performed Taking Tiger Mountain (By Strategy) with his Eno Orchestra at no less than world famous Fillmore Auditorium.

http://www.saucefaucet.com/tiger.html

Now here is where I mooch my way into the picture. Last night, I had the extreme pleasure…(honestly I hadn’t had that much fun in a long, long while, including the night before at my own band’s cd release party!)…of playing with one of Doug’s outstanding cover bands at The Eagle Tavern.
If you have not seen or heard any of Doug’s many cover bands with which he performs once or twice a year at The Eagle Tavern, then you are really missing out on some fun fun fun!!! You owe it to yourself as a true San Franciscan to come out and see these shows. Every year, he assembles musicians from all walks, all male; who don wigs and dresses, and for one night only, performs what amounts to sheer magic.
Here are a few that I have seen and have left me speechless;

Cinnamon Girls- Neil Young and Crazy Horse
Fat Bottom Girls-Queen
She-Gees- Bee Gees
52 Grrrrls- B-52’s (in which I got to be Cindy Wilson)

And then, of course, there is his maverick band, Bomb

Bomb, was the name of an acid fueled San Francisco based hard rock band started in the late 80’s. They toured extensively, released several albums, including one on Warner/Reprise in 1992, but began their career with a vinyl only LP on their own Boogadigga Records circa 1987 entitled “To Elvis In Hell”. The band were known for their intense music and wild onstage antics…and occasional nudity.
Their first LP caught the attention of Rock and Roll scribe and historian Greil Marcus, as well as a slew of indie zines and punk rock fans across the American heartland where they toured.

They signed to Bay Area based Boner Records in 1988 who put out “Hits of Acid” on vinyl and cassette.

Bomb - I Loved You Then I Died

Bomb -Smile & Pose

This record was followed up in 1989 with “Happy All The Time” a vinyl & cassette EP. At the time they were one of San Francisco’s most popular local acts outdrawing local faves like Primus, Chris Isaak and 4 Non Blondes, and soon worked out a European deal with Gary Held’s fledgling Revolver label to release “Lucy In The Sky With Desi” in 1990, the band’s first CD, which combined material from both earlier Boner releases.

Heck, they even did a certain Depeche Mode cover that was recorded and released in Germany in 1990, a good decade or so before Johnny Cash got hipped to it by Rick Rubin…

Bomb - Personal Jesus

In 1991, they attracted the attention of former Jane’s Addiction manager Charley Brown, who got the band a deal with the Warner Bros. side imprint Reprise, originally founded by Frank Sinatra.

Bomb - There Is No Promise Of A Future In The Moment

Gee do you think that song title could’ve dimmed their prospects with Warner Bros?

If that wasn’t bad enough…

How about telling WB’s in house legendary Van Halen / Doobie Bros./Bullet Boys producer Ted Templeman you don’t want his stinking help and instead spending your budget flying out to fat worthless world music remix czar Bill Laswell’s pad.

The CD/Cass that resulted was “Hate Fed Love” ponderously produced in Brooklyn by Laswell’s lackey’s , basically sucking most of the life out of the band’s sound and creating a record that would soon flood cutout bins nationwide. Can you say Tax Write Off?

(Ironically, The Flaming Lips, another difficult to pigeonhole act that Bomb toured with, were brought on board the label at the same time with a more loving touch by a certain David Katznelson, and are still on the WB to this day. Even after Katznelson left the corporate hoo haw…)

Bomb’s total lack of tour support, non-existent radio & retail promotion, infighting, spiraling speed and heroin use all doomed the band. They broke up in 1993, but eventually emerged out of rehab & ruin to play some celebratory San Francisco shows in the late 1990’s and released a fan farewell CD only EP called “Lovesucker.”

Doug also manages and books the world famous Eagle Tavern, and has championed the careers of many bands the world over, which is why touring bands clamor at the chance of playing The Eagle. Not to mention, it’s one of thee best paying venues in the city for up and coming musicians.
http://www.sfeagle.com/

Doug Hilsinger records, mixes and masters many bands including my own, Mon Cousin Belge, Quelle Horreur in his own studio, Saucefaucet.

http://www.saucefaucet.com/

So, stop by The Eagle sometime, and find the tall handsome guy with the red hair and goatee. Say howdy and ask for a cocktail, because he mixes them like he does his music. Which is to say, “he does not fuck around!”

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