Have you ever crushed the hopes of a Squire? I’ve seen it happen. It went down something like this: Elton Tom and I went down to Lake Arrowhead to help with a new Hard Place video. Have you ever been to Lake Arrohead? If not you totally should go because its totally gorgeous and who knows how long nature is going to hold out. Driving in with Elisha, we could see the charred remains of what used to be tree covered mountainsides. A haunted forest that managed to make the Norwegian black metal (Emperor, if you’re one of those) blasting from the speakers sound good for more than one song.

We met up with bozo savant duo Freddy and Ashley at the Chateu de Huizenga who had their lovely friend Pilar in tow. Costumes were donned by some and then we set off to a Renaissance Faire on the shores of the big bear lake (also gorgeous) for some pre-shoot inspiration (I think). Have you ever been to a renaissance faire?? If not you should go because it is hilarious and frightening all at once. Its more of a medieval fair than a renaissance faire but its exactly what you think its going to be; people too geeky or too into history for dungeons and dragons. I kind of couldn’t believe they were actually saying things like “M’lady” or “thou doth lookst” or “ye” while all around you D-cups overrunneth. Nor could I believe “Ye Olde ATM” when I saw it even though I was joking about it the whole way there. Maybe I’m not telling you anything new, but as I said, I’d never been.

So there we are: Freddy in his ill fitting peasant shirt and over-sized boots and cutoffs, Elisha in a toga and skinny black jeans, and Ashley with a fresh flame on top of her head in a dancers outfit, cut somewhat too high, leopard skin print with bright rainbow streaks. (Elton and I looking pedestrian in our street clothes. Pilar walking the line with some gypsy kinda shorts on) Unsurprisingly, Ashley is a hit at the faire and we learn pretty quickly that the renaissance crowd is a pervy one. Again, probably not that surprising, there’s curvy women everywhere in corseted dresses designed to use the least amount of fabric possible to yield the shapeliest breast (with limited results, some of them jiggled like melting gelatin). It was still surprising how the way “m’Lady” could be said to make the skin crawl or the way men would ask if Ashley was a “wood nymph” while eying up her birthing hips. All in good fun I’m sure, but I’m convinced they were having orgies with each in the forest after the faire closed it’s gates. Or key parties in their hot tubs at home.

So we wander into the ring of the bawdy juggler who told ball jokes for a half an hour and then invited Ashley on stage as an assistant where he molested her. I believe this guy actually licked her neck. Ashley is a good sport though and you might have thought she was a plant based on her performance. I’ve never seen Freddy laugh so hard.

Afterwards we’re laughing and talking about the juggler and his, uh, juggling stick when a lusty wench rushes over! “Oh… he’s very good. Very good…”, but then she glared at us and hissed “But he has a child you know! And a wife!”. She scurries off and we’re confused because she has a shot glass shoved in between her tits. Actually, we look around and most of the ladies have shot glasses between their tits. WHAT IS THIS? Are we in a medieval fraternity? How have we missed body shots going on all around us? Another lusty wench scurries up to us and disdainfully corrects us “They’re bodice chillers m’Lady, to keep us cool in the heat. See?” And she smugly pulls from her breasts a long glass horn which fits snugly against the breast bone. But you know they’re doing body shots out of it.

I’m off topic. The Squire! So we end up at the jousting match. Jousting! Actually its entirely boring for a long time while they torment us by not jousting. Luckily, Pilar’s young fresh face caught the eye of ribald elder who explained to us in detail how the men wish women would carry pickles between their breasts so they could eat from between the bosom and also how the jousting ritual works. He wanted us to realize that the job of the squire was perhaps the most important of the whole fair. I can believe this because they are basically first response for these men in armour charging at each other full speed on horses with lances pointed at each other. At one point we saw both men knocked from their horses and one landed squarely on his head. The squire rushed over to make sure the knight was ok “Are you alright m’Lord?” he said without breaking character. It was pretty impressive. This guy was all business.

After the match we were allowed to pet the horses. The Squire was tending to the horse and laid eyes on Ashley and earnestly asked “Are you a Fairy, m’Lady?”. “No, uh… I’m a wood nymph” she said. “Oh…” he looked to the distance with great sadness and then rushed off to take care of his duties.

That is the story! I’m not sure it provided any inspiration for the video shoot or not. Take a look!

Posted in Badlands, Baroque, death metal, hard place, renaissance faire | 2 Comments »